


Two's A Crowd

by ChloShow



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Ableist Language, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, F/M, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Lesphobia, M/M, Nazism, Pre-Canon, Racism, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 03:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4003489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChloShow/pseuds/ChloShow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After buying a bar on a whim with their friend Charlie, teenhood friends Ronald “Mac” McDonald and Dennis Reynolds decide to move in together now that Dennis is out of college [and neither of them can afford to live on their own].  Dee Reynolds, Dennis’ twin sister, works as their bartender and waitress, only because the three waitresses before her quit due to sexual harassment claims and fear for their safety.  </p><p>The four friends try to keep their bar afloat and live life to the fullest as fresh eyed 24 year-olds who think they have the world worked out.  As Mac discovers while adapting to life with Dennis, neither of them have it as figured out as they first thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is

[Supergrass’ “Alright” plays interspersed with shots of Philadelphia and the Gang’s respective apartments.]

[ **MAC** and **DENNIS** open the door to a bar, and the camera pans up to a shitty cardboard sign with “Paddy’s” painted in black lettering.]

[Interior of a poorly lit bar with one patron in the front corner.]

**DEE**

How are you guys gonna run a business if you’re late all the goddamn time?

**DENNIS**

Chill, sis, we’re still getting used to the time it takes to get here from our new place.

**MAC**

Yeah, get off our asses, and give me a beer.

**DEE**

[Hands **MAC** a beer.] You know, I think we’ve drank more of our own inventory than we’ve sold.

**DENNIS**

Shut up, Dee. You’re a bartender, so tend the bar and get me a drink, too.  Hey, Charlie. [ **CHARLIE** enters.]

**CHARLIE**

Heyoo. What’s this you say?

**DEE**

Mac and Dennis were late again.

**CHARLIE**

Now don’t you pretend like you weren’t 30 minutes late this morning.

**DENNIS**

Oh, and what’s your excuse, Dee?

**DEE**

I had a legitimate problem!  My car wouldn’t start again.  Had to get a jump from one of my neighbors.  Eughhh I hate talking to people in my building.

**CHARLIE**

Ugh, me too, that’s why I sleep in the bar sometimes, to avoid my landlord. Found this cool little attic thing up in the vents the other day.  It’s perfect for napping, tossing bottles around in despair…

**MAC**

Are you late on the rent again?

**CHARLIE**

It’s just that we don’t make any money.

**DEE**

I could buy a new battery or even a new car if we got some tipping customers in here.

**MAC**

Well, all we have are depressed middle-aged sad sacks wallowing in booze on a Wednesday afternoon.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, we just have the wrong audience.

**MIDDLE-AGED SAD SACK**

You know there’s a reason I’m here right? I have the right to feel depressed. I just lost everything in an electrical fire, and I’ve been living out of a shelter over on--

**DEE**

Holy shit, why are you talking?

**DENNIS**

We don’t know you, and we don’t want to.

[ **MIDDLE-AGED SAD SACK** gets up and starts to walk out of the bar.]

**MAC**

Yeah, that’s right, we don’t need you.

**DEE**

[mocking] Wahhh, I have no home or family support.  I’m all alone in the world and complain to strangers about my problems.

[ **CHARLIE** walks over to his table to collect the empty bottles.]

**CHARLIE**

Wait a second, where’s the money? 

**MAC**

What?

**CHARLIE**

The dude drank six beers here, and there’s nothing on the table.  Dee, did he pay you upfront?

**DEE**

[looks guilty] Uh…

**DENNIS**

Dee, you let this man leave without paying?  What sort of waitress are you?

**MAC**

Why are we wasting our time here anyway?  Dennis, let’s go to the mall.

**DEE**

Wait wait wait, the mall?  You can’t leave, you just got here!

**DENNIS**

Well, technically Dee we own this place, so we can do whatever we want.  You, on the other hand, work for us, so you are obligated to stay here or get fired.

**CHARLIE**

Hey guys, can I tag along?

**MAC**

Ooohhhhhh, sorry Charlie, this is strictly a roommate shopping run.

**CHARLIE**

I don’t think that’s a thing, dude.

**DENNIS**

Not only is it a thing, it’s also a highly important ritual.

**MAC**

You see Charlie, Dennis says if roommates don’t decide everything about their apartment together, then the decision making becomes uneven and thus ensues a power struggle.

**DEE**

Sounds like you’re newly weds.

**DENNIS**

[laughing] Oh Dee, you wouldn’t know because you’ve never had a roommate, or at least a roommate in a mature, adult living situation.  We’ll see you guys later.

**MAC**

Oh, and Charlie, you know what to do if that guy comes back?

**CHARLIE**

Handcuff him to his table and berate him until he agrees to pay his debt plus interest. Got it.

**DENNIS**

Uh, maybe not the handcuff thing because that sounds vaguely illegal, but I like the interest part.  Make sure Dee doesn’t run our baby into the ground. [He pats the doorframe and leaves with **MAC**.]

 **DEE** [to **CHARLIE** ]

Wanna go to the mall?

**CHARLIE**

Dee, you know full well that you have to work.  Me on the other hand…

**DEE**

I’ll give you a ride.

**CHARLIE**

Alright, I’ll lock up.

[scene]

 


	2. Chapter 2

[Todd Rundgren’s “Bang on the Drum All Day” plays, introducing the mall and settling on **MAC** and **DENNIS** in the furniture department.]

[ **MAC** is holding a bag from a toy store. **DENNIS** is looking at couches.]

**MAC**

You know, I don’t see what’s wrong with our futon, dude.

**DENNIS**

The futon _screams_ college student. I have to distance myself from that if we’re to cultivate any sort of desirable bachelors atmosphere. Plus there’s at least three separate cum stains on that thing.  It’s disgusting.

**MAC**

That’s what throw pillows are for.

[Enter **SHARON** , saleswoman with a professional yet attractive pencil skirt + blouse combo.  Remember: sex sells…couches.]

**SHARON**

Is there anything specific you two are looking for?

**DENNIS**

We’re quite alright,…[reads her name tag] Sharon.  [suggestive] I know exactly what I want.

**SHARON**

[suggestive yet professional] It’s not what you want; it’s what _she_ wants.  You see, you pick out what you think will impress a woman, but I _know_ what catches a woman's eye.

[ **MAC** watches with fascination]

**DENNIS**

[close to **SHARON** ] Oh yeah? What catches your eye?

[cut to **MAC** and **DENNIS** at the cash register]

**SHARON**

Thanks for shopping at JC Penney’s!

**MAC**

Dude, I think she just sold us the most expensive couch in this place.

**DENNIS**

What she sold us is her insight into the female mind, and I think that’s more valuable than anything we could find at a department store.

**MAC**

I know, but we just dropped $3000 on a black leather sofa.  I’m feeling we got got.

[Both walk out of frame.  Cut to **CHARLIE** and **DEE** in a toy store. “Bang on the Drum All Day” continues over the store’s tinny speakers.]

**DEE**

After this we’re going to Bed, Bath, & Beyond, okay Charlie?

**CHARLIE**

Alright, but it’s gonna cost you five bucks.

**DEE**

Five bucks? What the hell are you talking about?  [a **SMALL GIRL** stares at her, and **DEE** makes a nasty face back]

**CHARLIE**

I don’t have any money, Dee.  You know what, just cover me while I slip this into my pocket. [ **CHARLIE** takes a small troll doll from the shelf and puts it in his hoodie]

**SHOP CLERK**

Excuse me, sir. Are you going to pay for that?

**CHARLIE**

Pay for what?

**SHOP CLERK**

The toy you just put in your jacket.

**CHARLIE**

Listen, lady, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Why would I, an adult man, steal from a child’s store? [The toy is noticeably bulging.]

[The **SHOP CLERK** stands there with her arms crossed and a bullshit cutting stare.]

**CHARLIE**

You know what? Take your weird rat toy. I don’t want it anyway. [ **CHARLIE** takes the troll doll out of his jacket and hands it to **STORE CLERK** , and she walks away.]

**SMALL GIRL**

[pointing at **CHARLIE** ] You’re a bad person.

**CHARLIE**

You’re a bad person.

**SMALL GIRL**

That doesn’t make any sense.

**DEE**

Don’t argue with nine-year-olds, Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

I don’t care how old she is, she’s insulting me.

**DEE**

Well, she’s a child, so let’s get out of here. 

**SMALL GIRL**

You should be in jail.

**CHARLIE**

You should be in jail for saying such mean things.

**SMALL GIRL**

You’re gross, and your girlfriend is ugly.

**DEE**

Listen here, you little shit monster.  You don’t go around calling people ugly, especially when they’re not ugly at all. I bet your mother’s not watching over you because she doesn’t love you or care about you.  She’s probably dropping you off at the orphanage right after she gets her eyebrows threaded.

**SHOP CLERK**

Excuse me, what are you saying to this child?

**DEE**

She was harassing us, and I was asking her where her mother was at.

**SMALL GIRL**

She said I was going to an orphanage.

[ **CHARLIE** stuffs troll doll in his jacket and departs.]

**DEE**

That’s not true. And lying is a sin, so you’re going to Hell, too.

**SHOP CLERK**

M’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave immediately, or I’ll have to call security. [ **SHOP CLERK** places her hand on a holstered walkie talkie.]

**DEE**

[laughing] No need to call security.  I didn’t want to be here anyway. [ **DEE** retreats with her hands up and backs out of the store.]

[Outside of the store a few shops down on a bench, **CHARLIE** sits playing with his toy.  **DEE** walks over.]

**DEE**

I can’t believe kids these days.  Call me ugly…and she called me your girlfriend.  Does she know anything besides what heteronormative cartoons teach her while her neglecting mother leaves her alone to get drunk and give head?

**CHARLIE**

I think you’re getting a little personal there.  Anyway, that was a great distraction.

**DEE**

You stole that?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, while the manager was dealing with you.

**DEE**

That’s…impressive.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, I guess it was pretty impressive, wasn't it.

**DEE**

Why’d you want this guy so bad anyway? [ **DEE** takes the troll doll from **CHARLIE**. The doll has cute pink hair.]

**CHARLIE**

Why does anyone want anything? [ **CHARLIE** takes the doll back.]

**DEE**

Whatever, maybe we can pull something over at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. You do the distraction, and I’ll lift some candles or linens.

**CHARLIE**

No, that won’t work.  You have nowhere to hide them, and there’s so many more people in there to see you. You distract. I steal.

**DEE**

Alright, but we need to leave like now.  It’s probably bad business to loiter near your first hit.

**CHARLIE**

Right, let’s go.


	3. Chapter 3

[Cut to **MAC** and **DENNIS** walking on the ground floor of the mall.]

**MAC**

She was not into you.

**DENNIS**

I’m telling you, Sharon would’ve been putty in my hands had she not been selling us furniture.

**MAC**

She was interested in your wallet, not your dick.

**DENNIS**

Mac, every woman is interested in my dick whether she knows it or not.  It’s simply a matter of making her realize it.

**MAC**

[Holds his hand out to stop **DENNIS** ] Is that Charlie?

[Shot of **CHARLIE** quickly stepping away from somewhere.]

**DENNIS**

[squints] Sure is.  Looks like he’s got something under his shirt.

**MAC**

Hey!  And there’s Dee!  What the hell is she doing here?

[ **MAC** and **DENNIS** approach **CHARLIE** and **DEE**.]

**DENNIS**

What are you guys doing here?  Who’s watching over the bar?

**CHARLIE**

Uh, no one.  I locked up after you guys left.

**MAC**

We can’t make money if we’re closed all the goddamn time.

**DEE**

We don’t need money.  Charlie and I have a very successful system.  You see, I get into a minor scuffle with another customer, and while the manager is preoccupied with me, Charlie makes out with the goods!

**MAC**

Dee, that is petty theft.

**DENNIS**

I can’t believe this.  I’m related to a criminal.  I expected this of Charlie, but never you, Dee.  What would mom say if she could see you?

**DEE**

I don’t care what that hag thinks of me.  And I don’t think of it as stealing.

**DENNIS**

No?  Because that’s exactly what it is.

**CHARLIE**

We’re taking our efforts’ due.

**MAC**

What does that even mean?

**CHARLIE**

It’s something Dee said.  Ask her.

**DEE**

We work hard all the time, but we don’t get anything out of it.  We’re just taking a couple items these corporations won’t miss in the slightest.  No one gets hurt, and we come out on top.  Who needs a college degree when you’re the cream of the crop, huh?

**CHARLIE**

[Miming with his troll doll]  And the cream always rises to the top.  [ **CHARLIE** looks to **DEE** for approval.]

**DEE**

[She shakes her head and turns down **CHARLIE** ’s fist bump.]  That’s not an expression.

**DENNIS**

You’re still thieves.

**MAC**

Not even good ones.  Charlie, you couldn’t be anymore obvious.

**DENNIS**

Don’t give the thieves tips!

**CHARLIE**

Oh yeah, what have you guys accomplished today?

**DENNIS**

We purchased a very classy, very _mature_ sofa for our apartment.

**MAC**

Yeah, and I got this sweet ass light up disco ball.  I’ve always wanted one, but my mom was always like, “I’m not buying you a fucking toy, you’re 18. Get a job.” [laughing]

**CHARLIE**

Oh man, I wanted one of these, too! [Takes the toy from **MAC** ] Dude!  I could never get enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets for one of these bad boys.

**DEE**

Charlie, I’m getting a little paranoid here.  I feel like there are security guards looking at us everywhere.

**DENNIS**

Well, maybe if you hadn’t just been bragging about your exploits in that shrill shrew voice you do… [ **DEE** is unamused.]

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, now that you say it, we should probably take the loot and jet.  We’ll catch you later at the bar.

[ **CHARLIE** and **DEE** leave.]

[ **DENNIS** looks at **MAC** disapprovingly and takes the bag containing the multi-colored light up disco ball.]

**MAC**

What?  What did I do?

[scene]


	4. Chapter 4

[ **DEE** and **CHARLIE** walk down the hallway to **DEE** ’s apartment. **CHARLIE** carries two sheet sets and some incense.]

**DEE**

[ **DEE**  starts to unlock her door, but something catches her eye.]  Hey, I said Beach Paradise, not Cherry Sandalwood. I can’t do Cherry Sandalwood, Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

[mocking] Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t steal the right incense for you, Dee.

**DEE**

Shut up, just get the right stuff next time, okay?

**CHARLIE**

Next time…we’re doing this again?

**DEE**

Yeah, of course.

**CHARLIE**

Hell yeah!

[Enter **ALFRED** , or **FRED** for short.  He’s an average white guy.]

**FRED**

Hey, what’s this about stealing?

**CHARLIE**

Oh, uh…

**DEE**

It was a steal of a sale! [laughing guiltily]

**FRED**

Right….

[There's dead air.]

**DEE**

Well, what do you want?  I’m not religious, and I’ve got a kitchen full of knives if you’re a salesman.  Take that as you will.

**FRED**

Whoa, whoa, whoa.  I’m not here to sell anything.  I gave you a jump today.  My name’s Fred. I told you already, but I guess you forgot.

**DEE**

Oh, Fred. Hi, okay.  Well, it was nice meeting you, or whatevver. I gotta try out my new sheets.

**FRED**

I was just gonna ask you for a drink, but if this is your boyfriend…

**CHARLIE**

Oh, pffft, no, I’m just her partner in crime so to speak.

**FRED**

[to **DEE** ] So you _are_ single?

**DEE**

Yeah, but…

**FRED**

It’s just not too often I meet a beautiful woman, let alone one who lives in my building.

**CHARLIE**

Nice try, but this lady’s gotta get back to work at my bar.

**FRED**

You own a bar?

**CHARLIE**

Me and my two buddies, yeah.  It’s called Paddy’s.  Been open for about a year, and we’re really in need of customers so if you could spread the word amongst your friends, it would be really appreciated.

**FRED**

That’s great. That’s really great. Say, is this bar open to everyone?

**CHARLIE**

Of course!

**FRED**

No discrimination?

**CHARLIE**

Oh man, we’re some of the least discriminating people around.

**DEE**

Charlie…

**FRED**

Awesome, well I’ll spread the word around, get you guys some business.  That is…if you really are as open minded as you say.

**CHARLIE**

[laughing] Well, I don’t know what the hell you mean, but thanks, man!

**FRED**

[at **DEE** ] See you later then, bartender. [Exit **FRED**.]

**DEE**

Charlie! Why did you do that?

**CHARLIE**

Why? What’s your problem?

**DEE**

He’s creepy.

**CHARLIE**

Don’t worry about it, Dee. He seemed nice, and you heard that, he’s gonna tell his friends and you’re gonna get more tips than you could ever imagine.  What’s the worst that could happen?

[Cut to Paddy’s. The bar is full of Neo-Nazis.]

**CHARLIE**

Jesus Fucking Christ.

**DENNIS**

Bar meeting in the back office.

[ **ALL** turn to depart to the back office.]

**MAC**

What are you doing Dee.  This is meeting is strictly for shareholders.

**DEE**

What?! You’re going to leave me out here alone?

**MAC**

Uh, yeah.

[ **MAC** , **DENNIS** , and **CHARLIE** close the door to the back office, and **DEE** feigns friendliness]

[ **MAC** , **CHARLIE** , and **DENNIS** huddle in the back office.]

**CHARLIE**

What are we gonna do about this?  We can’t have Nazis in our bar!

**MAC**

Charlie’s right, man, I don’t wanna get stabbed.

**DENNIS**

I don’t like the situation just as much as you guys, but think about it.

**CHARLIE**

What is there to think about?  There are literal Nazis in our bar.

**DENNIS**

We need money. They need a place to drink and gather and spread hate just like the rest of us.  Now we could shut this down...

**MAC**

Shut it down!

**DENNIS**

Or…we could exploit the situation.  I mean someone’s gotta profit off these guys. Why shouldn’t it be us?  I don’t like it, and if there’s any trouble, they’re out.  But I think this is a viable option we have here.

**MAC**

That does sound like the logical thing to do.

**CHARLIE**

I don’t care if it’s the [scare quotes] “logical” thing to do.  [ **CHARLIE** stands on the office chair with a screwdriver.]

**MAC**

Charlie, what the hell are you doing up there?

**CHARLIE**

I’m going to the only place in the world where I can feel safe, thank you very much. [He starts unscrewing the screen to the ventilation system.]

**MAC**

You’re going to spend the night in the vents?

**DENNIS**

We need you out there bartending, man.

**CHARLIE**

I don’t care how you need me.  I wash my hands of this. [ **CHARLIE** disappears into the hole in the wall.]

[ **MAC** and **DENNIS** look at each other.]

**DENNIS**

Well, that’s that I guess.

**MAC**

Oh, dude, if we’re going to be “exploiting the situation” as you said, I saw some really hot chicks out there.

**DENNIS**

I was right behind you on that one.

[Cut to the bar. **DEE** is frantically filling orders.]

**DEE**

[expectant] So…?

**DENNIS**

They’re staying.

**DEE**

Goddammit, Dennis.  Where’s Charlie? Didn’t he get a vote in this?

**MAC**

Charlie is hiding like the coward he is in the ventilation system.

**DEE**

How did he [points to **DENNIS** ] convince you to do this? Oh, you know what, I shouldn’t be surprised.  You’re too far up his ass to see you’re his only friend.

**DENNIS**

Cheer up, Dee. And maybe think about bleaching your roots.  I hear these guys go for blondes.

[ **MAC** and **DENNIS** disappear into the crowd.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust me. I'm in no way going to go in depth into conversations with the new customers. The Gang will react in their own ways to exploit the situation. Please tell me if I overstep my bounds.


	5. Chapter 5

[Cut to **MAC** and **DENNIS** ’ apartment.  Both have a woman with them, and each couple pairs off to their respective rooms.  The Cars’ “Let the Good Times Roll” plays.]

[ **DENNIS** ’ woman pushes him to the bed.  **MAC** takes off his shirt and starts to unbuckle his pants.  The woman kisses **DENNIS** ’ neck, and he moans.  **MAC** is shown thrusting with his eyes closed.  **DENNIS** ’ girl is riding him.  Cut back and forth from **MAC** and **DENNIS** to make it look like they’re the ones having sex. 

[ **MAC’** s chick starts moaning.]

**MAC**

Shhh, be quiet.

**WOMAN**

Shit, man, if you’re gonna fuck me, at least open your eyes when you do it.

[ **DENNIS** gasps as his chick closes her fingers around his throat.]

**MAC**

Where are you going?  I can close my eyes if I want.  What’s the difference! It’s dark!

**WOMAN**

[She’s getting dressed and ready to leave.] Something’s off about you.

**MAC**

Come on, don’t go! [He puts his hand on her shoulder.]

**WOMAN**

Don’t touch me!

[ **MAC** sighs as the woman leaves.  **DENNIS** can be heard moaning across the apartment.  **MAC** gingerly touches himself.]

[Cut to morning.]

[A knock at the door.  **MAC** answers.]

[Enter **JILL**.  She’s wearing a jean jacket over a No Doubt crop top.]

**JILL**

Listen, I’ll make this as painless as possible, but I live next door and you guys were way too loud last night.

**MAC**

Oh, that wasn’t me that was…

[Enter **DENNIS** with bruise choke marks around his throat.]

 **DENNIS**

What’s this? [Checks **JILL** out.]

**MAC**

This is our neighbor.....

**JILL**

Jill.

**MAC**

 She says you were being too loud last night.

**JILL**

Just keep it down from now on, okay?

**DENNIS**

Oh, why would I want to do that and deprive this world of such a beautiful, not to mention  _natural_ part of life?

**JILL**

Listen. I don’t care who you have sex with.  Me and my girlfriend were just trying to sleep, and you woke us up.

**DENNIS**

A girlfriend? So that means…

**JILL**

No, I’m not a lesbian.  I’m bisexual.

**DENNIS**

I was just going to note that you wouldn’t be interested in joining me for lunch sometime, but now that you say _bi_ sexual was it? I’m more interested than ever. Have you heard of ménage á trois?

**JILL**

No, I don’t want to have sex with you and your boyfriend.

**MAC**

Wait, you think we’re a couple?

[Enter **DELIVERY MAN**.]

**DELIVERY MAN**

[to **MAC** ] Ah, yes, Mr. Reynolds? Just sign here for your sofa, and we’ll be good to bring it right up.

**DENNIS**

That’ll be me. [He grabs the clipboard, signs, and waves the **DELIVERY MAN** off as he exits].

[ **JILL** raises her eyebrows.]

**DENNIS**

Listen, we’re not a couple.  We’re roommates.

**JILL**

I don’t care what you two are.  Just stop having loud sex right next to my bedroom.

**DENNIS**

[He cuts in before  **JILL** can leave.] Hey.

**JILL**

If you’re going to hit on me one more time, I swear to God…

**DENNIS**

Oh, no I’m not, I promise.  I was just going to ask if you wanted to come over some time.  You see, we just moved in about a month and a half ago, and we don’t know anyone in the building.  Whaddya say?  You could invite your, uh, partner if you’d like.  We’ll have some of our friends over as well.  Just a regular ol’ housewarming party.

**JILL**

I’ll ask Judy about it.

**MAC**

Judy. Your girlfriend’s name is Judy?

**JILL**

Yeah?

**MAC**

Did you do that on purpose? 

**JILL**

Do what on purpose?

**MAC**

You know, Jill and Judy.  It’s like Jack and Jill except, ya know, gay.

**DENNIS**

[fake laughter] Don’t listen to him!  Consider the offer, and if you decide you want to come over, which you should, you know where to find us!

[ **JILL** crosses her arms and waves goodbye with a half-hearted smile.]

[ **DENNIS** closes the door.]

[ **MAC** sits on the futon. **DENNIS** remains standing.]

**DENNIS**

Jill and Judy? Really?

**MAC**

Why are you inviting them over!  I don’t plan on being friends with any lesbians.

**DENNIS**

Me either.

**MAC**

Explain.

**DENNIS**

[He sits down next to **MAC**.] I’m totally still trying to bang her.

**MAC**

[Realization dawns.] Oh!  But she’s in a relationship.

**DENNIS**

When has that stopped me before?

**MAC**

[Laughter.] You’re right!  You’re right.

**DENNIS**

When am I not right?  Anyway, how was yours last night?

**MAC**

[He lies.] Oh, uh, weird man.  We were going at it, and she just all of a sudden tells me she has to go home and feed her cat.

**DENNIS**

[Laughter] That—that is weird.

**MAC**

Yeah…

**DENNIS**

Well, _Shelia_ was fantastic. She left earlier this morning. You see these? [He gestures to his throat.] 

**MAC**

I was gonna ask. Did she try to kill you?

**DENNIS**

It’s called erotic asphyxiation.  [Fondly] Yes, she rode me hard and choked me as I came.  I don’t normally let the woman take charge, but she really knew what she was doing.

[ **MAC** adjusts his pants after hearing about **DENNIS’** exploits.]

**DENNIS**

[His eyes are far off, remembering last night.] Yeah, well, I better get dressed for the delivery guy, shouldn’t I? [He laughs and pats **MAC** on the shoulder.]

[ **MAC** ’s laughter dies as **DENNIS** leaves the room.  He looks at a cum stain on the futon and picks at it, covering it with a pillow and retreating to his room.]

[scene]


	6. Chapter 6

[ **MAC** and **DENNIS** walk into Paddy’s late again only to see the place is sort of popular.]

**MAC**

I don’t understand why we couldn’t have bought the La-Z-Boy.

**DENNIS**

[He is wearing a scarf around his neck to conceal the bruises.] A La-Z-Boy futon combo would completely tarnish our image.

**MAC**

I don’t care about my image, Dennis.  And you obviously don’t either, letting these Nazis in here.

[ **MAC** and **DENNIS** sit down at the bar.]

**DENNIS**

Whoa, whoa, since when are you against the Nazi idea?

**MAC**

Since it has led me to strike out and have to interact with lesbians, Dennis.

**DEE**

What’s this about lesbians?

**DENNIS**

We got acquainted with our neighbors this morning.  Jill is an absolute ray of sunshine in this miserable year, and I will have her by the time the summer’s out.

[ **DENNIS** takes a swig of a beer, and **DEE** is confused.]

**DEE**

Wait, I thought you said she was a lesbian.

**DENNIS**

She’s _bisexual_ and has a girlfriend, but I will show her what she is missing out while playing for the other team.

**DEE**

I pity any girl who has to spend any more than the minimum amount of time with you.

**DENNIS**

Is that why you’re always drowning in self-pity?

**MAC**

Where’s Charlie?

**DENNIS**

Probably still in the vents.

**DEE**

No, uh, after you guys left me alone the _entire night_ yesterday, I found him cleaning up the bar this morning. Granted, he was extremely high, but at least he’s pulling his weight in this shit situation.

**DENNIS**

What’s shit about this situation?  I got laid last night, and we’re probably raking in _insane_ amounts of money, am I right? I bet you got a lot of tips, huh, Dee.

**DEE**

Well, yeah, but [whispering] all of these guys look at me like I’m some sort of Happy Meal.  It’s unsettling.

[ **CHARLIE** enters covered in grime.]

**CHARLIE**

Heyo!

**MAC**

What the hell happened to you?

**CHARLIE**

Well, I started out throwing bottles up in that room I told you about, but that was just making a mess so I snuck down to the basement and fell asleep amongst the fumes.

**DENNIS**

Charlie, please don’t sleep in the bar anymore.  It’s gonna give us a weird reputation.

**CHARLIE**

OH AND BECOMING A NAZI BAR ISN’T A WEIRD REPUTATION.  YESSIREE, I’M A JANITOR AT THE NAZ—[Customers are staring. **MAC** grabs **CHARLIE** from behind and covers his mouth; **CHARLIE** bites him.]

**MAC**

Ow! Holy shit man, you bit me!

**CHARLIE**

[He calms down and sits at the bar.] AND WHAT Was I supposed to do, man?  You don’t calm someone down that way. I don’t know how long I can go on like this.

**DENNIS**

It’s been one whole night.  Chill out, buddy.

**CHARLIE**

You don’t gET IT!  This whole thing is my fault.  We ran into a guy in Dee’s building, and I told him to tell his friends to come to Paddy’s and now...[He gestures around.]

**DEE**

I told you I didn’t like talking to people in my building.

**CHARLIE**

I just thought maybe you meant you’re just antisocial.

**DEE**

I _am_ antisocial, but I also got a very “skinhead” vibe.

**CHARLIE**

You come out and say that first thing before I start inviting people to our bar!

**DENNIS**

Speaking of inviting people over places, I offered for Jill and her girlfriend, Judy, to come over for a housewarming party.  You guys are invited, just don’t be weird.

**CHARLIE**

Wait…Jill and Judy?  Like the nursery rhyme? Who are these women?  
  
**MAC**

They’re our neighbors.

**CHARLIE**

Are you sure they’re not…[ **CHARLIE** looks around at the customers and avoids saying “Nazis” despite having screamed it at least three times.]

**DEE**

There’s something about the phrase “gay Nazi” that rings pretty false to me, so I don’t think so.  Also, count me in. I could use to make some girl friends.

**MAC**

Maybe I’ll invite them to church.

[Almost simultaneously between **DENNIS** , **CHARLIE** , and **DEE**.]

No.

**DENNIS**

I swear to god if you invite them to church, I’ll stop being your wingman from now until….forever!

**MAC**

Alright, alright. I’m just trying to give them another perspective on their lifestyle. What do you think they’ll want to talk about?

**CHARLIE**

I don’t know. I’ve never met a lesbian.

**MAC**

You’ve met, Dee, she’s basically a lesbian.

**DEE**

That makes no sense.

**DENNIS**

Mac’s right. All feminists are gay.

**CHARLIE**

Oh, I see.

**DEE**

No you don’t because that’s a huge generalization.

**MAC**

What is it, Dee? You don’t want to be mistaken for a lesbian? 

**DEE**

No, it’s not…

**DENNIS**

I didn’t know you were homophobic.  Wow, Dee, maybe you shouldn’t come after all.

**DEE**

That’s not—you won’t let me talk, you sons of bitches! I’m coming to your stupid housewarming party, and I’m going to make some friends so I can get away from you idiots!

**DENNIS**

Just don’t offend our guests, Dee.

**DEE**

I'm not the one suggesting we invite them to church, Dennis!

**MAC**

Hey, what's wrong with inviting them to church!

**DENNIS**

Everyone calm down.  Now, we need to present ourselves as normal, desirable people if this is going to work.

**DEE**

You mean so that you can get laid.

**DENNIS**

Exactly.

**CHARLIE**

You mean Dennis is trying to bang a lesbian?  Now nothing makes sense.

  **MAC**

[He's getting fed up.] Enough with this gay shit. It's ruining my day.

**DENNIS**

Alright, okay. Shhh, no more gay shit. [He places his hand on **MAC's** shoulder to calm him down.]

[ **DEE** and  **CHARLIE** look at each other with furrowed brows but don't say anything about it.]

**DENNIS**

And Charlie, I don’t want you sleeping in the bar anymore.  You should have enough money to pay rent. 

**CHARLIE**

Alright, I’ll jump right on that actually.

**DEE**

Actually, not to be a downer, Charlie, but there is some really bad graffiti in the men’s restroom you might want to clean up first.

**CHARLIE**

[Chuckling sadly] Okay. [Exit **CHARLIE**.]

**DENNIS**

One more night like last night and we might actually be able to buy a real sign.

**MAC**

Yeah, it looks real trashy every time it rains with the wet cardboard everywhere you know.

[ **ALL** groan in agreement.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember this takes place around 1999-2000.


	7. Chapter 7

[ **CHARLIE** walks down the hallway to his apartment to see that his door is covered in caution tape.]

**CHARLIE**

Uh, that’s a little extreme.

[ **CHARLIE** turns around to see his landlord, **HWANG**.]

**CHARLIE**

Ah! Oh, dude, Hwang, you scared me there. [He plays sycophantic.]

**HWANG**

Where’s my money?

**CHARLIE**

Hey, hey, don’t get all worked up about your money.  I have it all right here. [ **CHARLIE** hands **HWANG** the cash.]

**CHARLIE**

Now if you excuse me, I’ll set to removing this caution tape because my apartment is not a crime scene.

**HWANG**

[Counts the money.]  Where is the rest?

**CHARLIE**

What do you mean “the rest?” It’s all there.

**HWANG**

You owe me interest.  One hundred dollars for late rent.

**CHARLIE**

Jesus Christ, Hwang, just let me in my apartment.

**HWANG**

You come back here without my money, I will throw your belongings in the trash. [ **HWANG** walks away.]

**CHARLIE**

Well fine BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE I GOT MOST OF IT ANYWAY.  Jeez…

[Cut back to Paddy’s.  **MAC** and **DENNIS** are playing pool.]

**MAC**

I just don’t get why you’re so obsessed with appearances lately.

**DEE**

He’s always been obsessed with appearances.  Don’t you remember he wore makeup to prom? [ **DEE** walks away with a tray of beers.]

**DENNIS**

Hey, you swore you’d never tell anyone!

**MAC**

She didn’t have to tell anyone.  It was so obvious, dude.  I know your eyelashes aren’t that dark.

**DENNIS**

It was the early 90s.  I could comment on your brief grunge stint. [He works himself up.] Or!  Or that time in 9th grade where you so completely obsessed with Depeche Mode that you spent all your money on that studded leather jacket that made you look like a fag.  [He laughs.]

**MAC**

I looked cool! Like Judas Priest.  
  
**DENNIS**

Exactly! Everyone was waiting for you to come out, but then you started sleeping with all our friends’ girlfriends, so people decided you were just an asshole.

[ **CHARLIE** enters.]

**CHARLIE**

Guys!

**MAC**

You’ve been wearing the same clothes for three days.  I thought you got back into your apartment.

**CHARLIE**

No, guys, I need to borrow $100. 

**DENNIS**

What?

**CHARLIE**

Hwang decided to charge me extra if I don’t pay the rent on time, which admittedly is a great business strategy but puts me completely out.  I gave him all my money! So I need to borrow some of you guys’.  I’ll pay you back.

**MAC**

Ohohoh, if I understand correctly, owing someone is what got you in this situation in the first place.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, there’s no way I’m letting you anywhere near my wallet.

**CHARLIE**

What about, Dee?

**DEE**

What about me?

**CHARLIE**

Well, if you’re not gonna give me any of your tips, why don’t you help me steal some more shit and like resell it or something.

**DEE**

[Dripping with disdain.] No can do, Charlie.  I have to work now that the bar is so successful because of your help!

**MAC**

Listen, one more night like last night, and you should be able to earn enough _easily._

**CHARLIE**

Okay, I’m still not on board with this, but I really need this money.

**DENNIS**

That’s the spirit!

[ **CHARLIE** clenches his jaw and purses his lips.]

**CHARLIE**

I'll be in the basement if you guys need me. [Exit **CHARLIE**.]

**DEE**

I’ve actually been making major bank. 

**DENNIS**

I don’t care if these guys are giving you tips because you look German or whatever.

**DEE**

We _are_ German, but that’s not the point. [ **DEE** leans in closely to **DENNIS**.] I’ve been pick pocketing them.

**DENNIS**

What?!

**DEE**

Yep, expanding my skill set one jacket or bike satchel at a time.

**DENNIS**

You’re going to get killed!

**DEE**

I’m good at it. And you can’t lecture me about stealing from Nazis.

**MAC**

She’s got a point.  Hey, and maybe she _will_ get killed. That would solve like all our problems.

**DEE**

What problems would my death solve?  I was literally the only waitress you could hire.  All the others quit!

**DENNIS**

And this is the only job you could get after your court appointed stint in that institution, so…

**MAC**

Wait, I didn’t know about this.

**DENNIS**

Dee set her roommate on fire, and dad’s lawyer got it so that she didn’t have to serve any prison time, just a year in a federally approved mental health program.

**DEE**

I could get a job anywhere; I just _choose_ to work here to help my _brother_ out. And I could take that kindness away at any moment. [Exit **DEE**.]

**DENNIS**

[to **MAC** ]  She’s been fired from like 5 separate jobs, so don’t mistake who has the control here. 

**MAC**

[He doesn’t really consider saying anything in direct response.]  You know, that scarf looks ridiculous.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, I know. [He removes the scarf.]

**MAC**

Like, it’s 80 degrees out.  Why would you be wearing a scarf if you didn’t have something to hide?

**DENNIS**

I get it. I get it.  It’s your turn. [He returns to their game of pool.]

[scene]


	8. Chapter 8

[Begin montage. T. Rex’s “Teenage Dream” plays.]

[There’s a pan over **MAC** and **DENNIS’** apartment window.  **MAC** is alone in his room and hears **DENNIS** getting lucky for the second night in a row.]

[ **DEE** stealthily snatches a specially engraved knife from a guy’s jacket on the back of his chair.  In the next shot, **DEE** pawns this knife and takes the money quite happily.]

[ **CHARLIE** hands **HWANG** the money he owes.  **CHARLIE** kicks his feet up on his table and turns on the TV.]

[ **ALL** four of them stand outside Paddy’s, hoisting up the new sign.]

[End montage. The song skips to the end with the bluesy piano and guitar riffs until it's abruptly cut off as we see **DEE** , **MAC** , **DENNIS** , and **CHARLIE** holding beers in **MAC** and **DENNIS** ’ apartment and staring ahead.]

[They are staring at **JILL** and **JUDY** sitting together on the new couch.  **JUDY** is a chill, dark-skinned woman with natural hair.]

**DENNIS**

Uh….so—

[ **MAC** is pointedly quiet.]

**DEE**

I’m glad you guys are so…open about your relationship.  Go you!

**JILL**

We’re not in an open relationship if that’s what you mean.

**DEE**

No! [Laughing and backtracking] No, I just meant, you guys are really…

**DENNIS**

Brave!

**DEE**

Brave! To be so …[gestures hand, waiting for **DENNIS** to say something. He doesn’t] in this just homophobic country.

**JUDY**

Thanks?

**CHARLIE**

[to **JUDY** ] So what are you?

**DEE**

Charlie!

**JUDY**

What do you mean?

**CHARLIE**

Like what _are_ you?

**JUDY**

[She’s messing with him.  **JILL** knows it.] I’m…human?

**CHARLIE**

No, no like where are you from?

**JUDY**

Oh, New Jersey.

**CHARLIE**

No, no, you’re still not getting it—

**DENNIS**

I’m sorry about my friend here. He’s just asking about your ethnicity in a very insensitive way.

[ **JUDY** feigns surprise.  **JILL** snickers.]

**JUDY**

Oh! Oh, no, I picked up on that.

**MAC**

And are you going to tell us?

**JUDY**

No. Why would I?

**MAC**

Excuse me, I just wanna know why you have dark skin.

**JUDY**

Okay, then, where are you from?

**MAC**

What?

**JUDY**

Where are you from?

**MAC**

Uh…Philadelphia?

**JUDY**

No, like why are you white?

**MAC**

Well, that’s easy.  I’m Irish.

[This was not the right answer, and everyone knows it.]

**JUDY**

Do you mean to say that only white people live in Ireland?

**MAC**

I didn’t—that’s not—Dennis she’s twisting my words!

[ **CHARLIE** has picked up a bowl of some kind, eating whatever’s in it.]

**CHARLIE**

Would anyone care for some of these delicious gummies?

[ **JILL** wants to say something out of fear, but **DENNIS** beats her to it.]

**DENNIS**

Those aren’t gummies, Charlie.  Those are the, uh, fragrance pearls Jill and Judy brought with them as a housewarming present.

**CHARLIE**

Well, they taste terrible, I’m sorry to say.

**MAC**

That’s because you’re not supposed to eat them!

**CHARLIE**

They shouldn’t be so slippery and colorful then.

[ **DENNIS** takes the bowl away and sets it on the kitchen countertop. **DEE** sees an opportunity to guide the conversation while **DENNIS** is away.]

**DEE**

So, where do you two work?

**JILL**

I’m going back to school and working part time at the mall.

**JUDY**

And I’m a bank teller.

**DEE**

Oh, what do you study?

**JILL**

I’m thinking of becoming a nurse; we just need more money to move into a bigger apartment or just out of Philadelphia.

**MAC**

Why would you want to move out of Philly?  It’s great!

**JUDY**

Maybe for you, but as Dee brought up earlier, it’s getting a little hard being “brave” in this city.

**JILL**

[She tries to avoid the subject.] What about you guys?  What do you do?

[ **DENNIS** is back.]

**DENNIS**

Ah, yes, we own a bar.  Paddy’s. We just bought a new sign, so you might have driven by…

**JILL**

[She’s visibly alarmed.]  You guys own _Paddy’s_?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, so?

**JUDY**

That’s a Nazi bar!  Are you guys Nazis? [to **JILL** ] I told you we shouldn’t have come here. [She rises to leave, and **JILL** follows suit.]

**DEE**

No! We’re not Nazis. [laughing] This is a mistake, really.  Funny story. Charlie here accidentally invited a guy from my building to our bar—

**CHARLIE**

Words were minced.

**DEE**

And now we can’t really kick them out without my life being threatened.

**JUDY**

I don’t care how you guys became the _Nazi_ bar. I’m not comfortable being associated with you all in any way.

**JILL**

[to **JUDY** ]  I’m sorry, baby, I thought they were just harmless.

**JUDY**

Let’s go.

**DENNIS**

Wait, don’t—don’t go!  It was their fault the whole Nazi thing.  I hate it! I can’t sleep at night because of how they’re forcing me to turn my back on my morals! [The door closes as **JILL** and **JUDY** exit.] Dammit.

**DEE**

God dammit! Thanks a lot, Dennis. First you say this Nazi thing isn’t gonna follow us, and now I’ve lost my chance at making cool friends.

**MAC**

They weren’t that cool, Dee.

**DEE**

They looked like they walked right off the set of FRIENDS!  Come on!

**CHARLIE**

Forget it, Dee. The only thing that matters is Dennis tried to throw us under the bus at the last second.

**DEE**

Yeah! This was your whole idea, and you try to sail us down the river.  Fuck you, Dennis.

[ **DEE** leaves, and **CHARLIE** is right behind her.]

[ **MAC** stays where he’s seated.]

**MAC**

I’d storm out, too, but I live here, so… [He sips his beer.]

[scene]


	9. Chapter 9

[Cut to Paddy’s.  There’s a big crowd.  **DEE** , **CHARLIE** , and **MAC** look pissed.  They pointedly don’t look at **DENNIS** when he walks by to the back office.]

[ **DENNIS** screams alone, throwing a pencil holder then punching a hole in the wall.]

[ **MAC** is at the door, trying to open it.]

**CHARLIE**

Dude, what the hell is Dennis doing?

**MAC**

I don’t know, but he’s locked the door.

[The door is suddenly open.  **DENNIS** stands there stoically.]

**MAC**

What the fuck were you doing in there, Dennis?

**DENNIS**

What do you mean?  Everything’s fine. [He smiles, empty.] Hey everybody!  [The rest of the bar turns to listen.] Get the fuck out of here, and never come back! [He laughs.]

**MAC**

Dude, what are you doing!

**DEE**

Dennis, what the hell!  You’re going to get me killed!

[ **FRED** quiets the crowd and walks up to **DENNIS**.]

**FRED**

What’s this you say?

**DENNIS**

You guys have to leave.  You’re not welcome here.

**FRED**

You know, that’s funny because your friends here said quite the opposite.

**CHARLIE**

He’s right!  There’s no problem!

**DEE**

Please stay! [She’s disgusted with herself.]

**DENNIS**

I’ve decided this will be a Nazi-free bar.

**MAC**

Dennis, where is this coming from?

**DENNIS**

Don’t worry. Nothing matters anymore.

**FRED**

It _sounds_ like this is a personal problem. [He laughs, reaching inside his jacket pocket for a knife.  Unbeknownst to him, **DEE** stole it earlier.]  Wait, where the fuck is my blade?

[ **MAC** is choking back laughter.]

**FRED**

[to **MAC** ] You!

**MAC**

No! I’m not stupid enough to steal from you!

**FRED**

[to the entire bar] WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY BLADE.

[The bar goes silent.  No one moves. **FRED** inspects everyone until another guy tries to reason with him.]

**GUY**

Hey, take it easy, man.  Maybe you misplaced it.

**FRED**

You think I misplaced it?  That was my grandfather’s knife!  It was worth $5,000!

**DEE**

[to **CHARLIE** ]  I only got $300 for it.

**GUY**

Just calm down, and we’ll all look around, check our pockets.

**FRED**

[Chuckling] Alright. [He fakes as if he were walking back to **DENNIS** but pulls a punch at **GUY** , starting a huge bar fight.  Brian Eno’s “Baby’s on Fire” plays.]

[ **MAC** and **CHARLIE** lock themselves in the back office, while **DENNIS** grins, standing by **DEE**.  **DEE** is calling the police with the bar’s landline, squatting on the floor.  **DENNIS** joins her on the floor.  The song ends.]

[Cut to police sirens outside of Paddy’s. **FRED** is escorted away by police, and the bar goers are leaving.  An ambulance carries away a couple of injured people.]

[Inside the bar, Paddy’s is empty.]

**CHARLIE**

I guess that’s that then.

**DEE**

[Still shaken up, pouring herself a vodka shot.] I’m pretty sure I saw a couple people die if I’m being honest. [She takes the shot.]

**DENNIS**

Alright!  You’ve got the right idea.  Pour me some shots!

**MAC**

No, wait, what the hell was that earlier, Dennis?

**DENNIS**

What was what?  I solved the situation if that’s what you mean.

**CHARLIE**

Not before you punched a hole in the back office wall.

**DEE**

You punched a hole in the wall? [takes another shot] Woo! Boy, I don’t care because this is my first night off in a while, and I’m getting wasted.

**MAC**

Me, too.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, I’m really tired of working every day.

**DENNIS**

That _is_ what we pay you for, but who the fuck cares!  [Takes his shot.]  Ughh, break out the tequila, sis!

[ **ALL** cheer.  There’s blood smeared on the floor.  Nobody cares.]

[scene]


	10. Chapter 10

[J. Geils’ Band “Love Stinks” plays over an outside shot of **MAC** and **DENNIS** ’ apartment.  The roommates are laughing loudly, singing along to the song although there is no source music.]

**DENNIS**

Shh-sh-shhh, we might wake the neighbors.

[ **MAC** giggles fantastically. **DENNIS** flips the lightswitch on.]

**MAC**

Wait, really?

**DENNIS**

One thing’s for sure. [Deep-voiced] Love stinks.

[In unison: “LOVE STINKS YEAH YEAH LOVE STINKS”]

**MAC**

Turn off the light, turn off the light!

**DENNIS**

[He flips the light switch back.] Why?

[ **MAC** walks over to the television set, picking up the light-up disco ball and turning it on.  Colors start to spin all over the room.  **DENNIS** ’ eyes shine with something.]

**DENNIS**

Love stinks!

[The song plays over the scene once more as **MAC** and **DENNIS** dance and jump around in the light of the disco ball.  Again, there is not actually source music, just the two friends’ a cappella rendition.]

[ **DENNIS** stops singing and stares **MAC** down.  **MAC** stops singing as well.]

**MAC**

Wha—

[ **DENNIS** places his hand on **MAC** ’s shoulder.  **MAC** looks at **DENNIS** ’ hand and swallows.]

**DENNIS**

[He leans in to whisper in **MAC** ’s ear.] I know, Mac.

[ **DENNIS** draws back, and **MAC** stares at **DENNIS** ’ face in the disco ball’s multi-colored light.  Both scan the other’s face for a reaction, but **MAC** didn’t actually understand what **DENNIS** meant.]

[This ignorance doesn’t stop **MAC** from nosing forward and kissing **DENNIS**.  **DENNIS** kisses back.  **MAC** pushes **DENNIS** back onto their couch, and the two makeout until the scene fades into **MAC** asleep on top of **DENNIS**.]

[The disco ball’s lights are burnt out, but the ball itself is still moving.  **MAC** wakes up and turns the toy off, looking at **DENNIS** questioningly before retreating to his room.]

[scene]


	11. Chapter 11

[ **CHARLIE** is mopping up the blood off Paddy’s floor. **DEE** is behind the counter.  There are a couple “sad sack” patrons in the corner booth.]

**DEE**

Welp, I guess everything’s back to normal again.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, but that means not getting paid regularly.  I didn’t know how long we were gonna be financially steady, so I decided to blow most of my money on a sweet new electric guitar.

**DEE**

Charlie, do you even play guitar?

**CHARLIE**

Nope, but what’s stopping me from picking it up?  I mean, we could start a band, get real famous, stir up hype around Paddy’s, and get a new reputation.  It’s that simple.

**DEE**

Nothing about that sounds simple.

[Enter **MAC**.  He’s not walking with **DENNIS**. In fact, **DENNIS** is nowhere in sight.]

**CHARLIE**

[to **MAC** ] Oh, dude, you look terrible.

**MAC**

[He’s sensitive to light and just looks sick and worried.]  Yeah, well, I’m hung-over.  What did you expect?

**CHARLIE**

How much did you drink after you and Dennis left last night?

**MAC**

I don’t want to talk about Dennis right now.  And how are you still standing, Dee?  You downed like more than all of us combined.

**DEE**

Uhhh, not true. That title would go to Charlie, I believe.  Anyways, my acting friends taught me this thing to do with salt and apple juice. It really works.

**CHARLIE**

No, but really, where is Dennis?

**MAC**

Why should I know?  I’m not his keeper!

**CHARLIE**

Hey, hey, no need to get snappy. 

**MAC**

I feel like shit, _and_ we blew all that money on a sign for the bar when we don’t even need it anymore.

**DEE**

This whole pity party is about money?  Get Charlie to join in.  He bought a guitar.

**MAC**

That is a smart purchase, Charlie.  Ya gotta teach me to play one day.

**CHARLIE**

I promise, man. Just as soon as I learn. Oh, and that’s not all I bought. Mac.  Dee.  I think you guys’ll enjoy this.

[Cut to **CHARLIE** lighting a cherry bomb duct taped to a lime.  Brian Eno’s “Baby’s on Fire” starts at the chorus.  **MAC** , **DEE** , and **CHARLIE** enjoy blowing things up thoroughly.  They blow up a variety of things including: empty beer bottles, a half-empty liquid paint can, and some wedding ring from a patron who joins in with them.]

[ **CHARLIE** tries to bring a cat into the situation, but **MAC** gently guides him away from that idea.]

[Enter **DENNIS** into the alleyway where the shenanigans are taking place. **MAC** spots him and looks away.]

**DENNIS**

What’s this!

**DEE**

Charlie bought some cherry bombs, and we’re seeing all what we can blow up!

**DENNIS**

That’s great. Hey, Charlie, gimme one won't cha.

**CHARLIE**

No, dude, not yet.

**DENNIS**

[He’s ruining the fun atmosphere, forcing it.] Come on. [He grabs the cherry bomb out of **CHARLIE** ’s hands.]

**CHARLIE**

Come on.

**DENNIS**

[Firm.] No, _you_ come on.  Wait out here; I have the perfect thing to blow up.

[ **DENNIS** returns holding **CHARLIE** ’s troll doll.]

**CHARLIE**

Dude, you wouldn’t dare!  Where’d you get that! Give it back!

[ **DENNIS** snickers.]

**MAC**

Why do you have to ruin everything, Dennis?  Give it back. [He grabs at the cherry bomb and troll. **DENNIS** evades. This starts a wrestling match.]

**CHARLIE**

[He dives into the action.] GIVE ME MY TOY YOU _ASSHOLE_.

**DEE**

Stop it! Just give him the toy back, Dennis!

[ **CHARLIE** screams, and the scene cuts to **DENNIS** sitting in the bar alone with **DEE** at the counter.]

**DEE**

That’s great, Dennis.  Now we have no idea where Mac and Charlie are.

**DENNIS**

Does it matter? It’s not like they’re 5. [He lights a cigarette and places it between his lips.]

[Cut to **CHARLIE** following **MAC** down an alley near a bridge.]

**CHARLIE**

Mac! Mac! Where are you going, Mac! I got it back. I got the troll guy back! [ **MAC** turns around and walks back towards **CHARLIE**.]

**MAC**

Nobody cares about your stupid toy, Charlie.  It’s Dennis!  Dennis…you know what, I don’t even know why I’m friends with him in the first place.

[Debussy's "Claire de Lune" plays softly, melodramatically.]

**CHARLIE**

[He sits down under the bridge and pats besides him.]  Take a seat.  Tell me what’s wrong, Mac.

**MAC**

I’m above sitting underneath bridges.

**CHARLIE**

No you’re not, how could you be above something you’re under.

[ **MAC** takes a seat.]

**MAC**

Nevermind…

**CHARLIE**

Don’t let Dennis get to ya.  He’ll be better in a couple days after everything settles back to normal.

**MAC**

That’s just it. Nothing’s gonna be normal ever again!  Dennis did something really stupid…

[Cut to Paddy’s]

**DENNIS**

Mac is acting really stupid.

**DEE**

Did you ask him what’s wrong?

**DENNIS**

Pffft, he’s not going to answer me if I come at him straightforward like that. Actually I think it has something to do with last night.  I just…can’t…remember what happened.

[Cut back to the bridge.]

**CHARLIE**

[He’s a little shocked.] So, what, _Dennis kissed_ you?

**MAC**

Yeah.

**CHARLIE**

And that’s it.

**MAC**

What’s “it,” Charlie?  This is a big deal!

**CHARLIE**

Both of you guys were drunk, right?

**MAC**

Well, yeah…

[Cut to Paddy’s]

**DEE**

You guys both seemed really drunk and out of it.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, and I remember having a great time, but I just feel so… _off_ today for some reason.  I don’t know.  Maybe I shouldn’t have moved in with Mac.

**DEE**

I mean, I know it’s not ideal, but you could’ve stayed at home.

**DENNIS**

Dad kicked me out.

**DEE**

What?!

**DENNIS**

Yeah, he told me to get a real job like him.

**DEE**

Dennis…you know what dad’s like.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, it just doesn’t hurt any less, you know?

[Cut to the bridge.]

**CHARLIE**

Does he remember?

**MAC**

I don’t know.

**CHARLIE**

Have you tried asking him?

**MAC**

Now why would I want to ask Dennis if he remembers kissing me?  What good would that do?

**CHARLIE**

I don’t know. Get things out in the air, but I know that’s not your style, so…

**MAC**

_Gay_ isn’t my style, Charlie.  I’m not gay, and I can’t have a roommate who’s gay.

[Cut to Paddy’s.]

**DENNIS**

I don’t think I can have a roommate like Mac.

**DEE**

What do you mean?  Angry? Homophobic?  Lazy?

**DENNIS**

I’m not used to living with him, not like I was at home.  I should’ve asked you first.

**DEE**

What, you should’ve asked to move in with _me_? Dennis, you know that wouldn’t have worked out.

**DENNIS**

But we were comfortable at home.  We knew each other’s schedules and everything.

**DEE**

That’s because we didn’t _choose_ to live with each other.  There must be a reason, even a stupid one, that you would want to live with Mac.

[Cut to the bridge.]

**CHARLIE**

I don’t think Dennis is gay, dude.  How many chicks has he banged since you two started living together?

**MAC**

I don’t know…it’s not like I keep track of the women Dennis does or doesn’t bang.

**CHARLIE**

Why is this kiss bothering you so much, dude.

**MAC**

It’s not.

**CHARLIE**

It obviously is.

**MAC**

It’s because he didn’t kiss me, alright!

**CHARLIE**

What?

[ **MAC** stands up, looking down at **CHARLIE.]**

**MAC**

I kissed him, okay!  I kissed Dennis! I kissed him!

**CHARLIE**

[He stands up slowly.] Dude, dude, just ‘cause you kiss a guy doesn’t make you gay.

**MAC**

What does it make me then! 

**CHARLIE**

You do plenty of things when you’re drunk you don’t mean, don’t you?

**MAC**

Pshh, of course, Charlie, now get to the point.

**CHARLIE**

The point _is_ that if you kissed Dennis when you were drunk, maybe you didn’t mean anything by it.

[ **MAC** is struck by this idea.]

**CHARLIE**

That make sense?

**MAC**

Yeah, yeah now that you explain it, it does.

**CHARLIE**

Of course it makes sense.  Now let’s go back to the bar.

[Cut to Paddy’s.]

**DENNIS**

[to **DEE** ] Me and Mac, we were friends in high school, you remember, then I went to college, graduated, and we thought “Yeah, we can pick things back up right where we left them.”  And last week I ran into my roommate from Penn...  He’s married, bought a house, got a kid on the way.  He works for some company, I don’t remember the name. He’s just _24_.  Like what the fuck am I supposed to be doing?

**DEE**

I’m so glad you don’t live with me.  To be honest, you can be really whiny sometimes.

**DENNIS**

I’m pouring my soul out here, Dee.

**DEE**

Yeah, just bottle that right back up and get over yourself.  You’re 24 and own a bar with your friends.  That’s better than any wife or house or goddamn kid. I will not be an aunt any time soon, Dennis, so help me.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, yeah, I guess you have a point.

[scene]


	12. Chapter 12

[Cut to **MAC** and **DENNIS’** apartment.]

[ **DENNIS** tries to switch on the light-up disco ball, annoying **MAC** in the process.]

**DENNIS**

Huh, you better return this piece of shit.  The bulbs are burned out before you even got to use it.

**MAC**

What do you mean?  We—when we got home last night I turned it on, must’ve forgotten to turn it off.

[ **DENNIS** shrugs.]

**MAC**

Do you mean you don’t remember last night?

**DENNIS**

I remember taking a shit load of tequila shots and passing out on the couch.

**MAC**

That’s good, that’s good.

**DENNIS**

What, did anything happen last night?

**MAC**

No!  I mean, no, I couldn’t remember either and was hoping it wasn’t anything stupid.

**DENNIS**

Hey, you know what we haven’t done in a while?  A movie night, just like old times! 

**MAC**

Dennis, we don’t have any movies.

**DENNIS**

Ahhh, we’ll rent one!  What do you want to watch?

**MAC**

You mean I get to pick?

**DENNIS**

Yep!

**MAC**

But you always picked!

**DENNIS**

And I’m saying that you get to pick this time.  It’s only fair, isn’t it? 

**MAC**

Lethal Weapon!

**DENNIS**

Which one?

**MAC**

Do we have to pick?

**DENNIS**

Uh, no, hey, you know what, let’s have a Lethal Weapon marathon!

**MAC**

Dude!

[The Proclaimers’ “Over and Done With” plays over **MAC** and **DENNIS** ’ conversation.  They talk about the pros and cons of each Lethal Weapon movie until they close and lock their apartment door.]

[END]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is supposed to be read as a rom com without a romantic ending, leading up into the It's Always Sunny TV show.


End file.
